In the past, I’ve chased friendships.
I have cultivated unhealthy boundaries and toxic relationships.
I am a giver, and I give from my heart. But in my giving, I tend to not set healthy boundaries with others, and have failed in properly teaching other people how to respect my boundaries. I gave so much so that my cup would be low, and my peace would be dire. I was not only giving from my heart, but I was also giving away my peace. My empathy has also played a part in my relationships as well. Not properly separating others feelings from my own. Getting caught up in things I shouldn’t.
As a spiritual Daughter of a King, I know that giving is huge. Helping those in need is a way to show Christ’s love to others, but at what point do I say enough is enough? When I’m up at night consumed by thoughts of guilty because I know I can’t say yes, but say it anyway because I feel bad if I don’t. Wasting time and energy in worrying about the things that didn’t matter. Putting energy into scenarios and assumptions that in most cases don’t happen.
I can’t even blame nobody but myself for not be clear about my own boundaries.
I was searching for outward validation instead of seeing myself through the eyes of the Father.
Truth is, people will fail you, but God won’t. It’s not in his nature, for He is good and forgiving.
My fears of rejection, judgement, abandonment has effect how I’ve operated in my friendships. I’ve built relationships on the wrong foundations.
At one point in time, alcohol became a crutch for me. Liquid courage is what they call it. I felt more comfortable in my skin after drinking. But after awhile, I simply got tired of it. I was still feeling insecure. Drinking only masked the problem.
The problem was that I didn’t accept myself. I feared that others would reject me if I didn’t act cool. I feared that others would judge me for being me, as others have done in the past. Making fun of me, bully me with their words, talking behind me back. I just wasn’t strong enough to go through it again and again. I wasn’t standing in the power of who God created me to be. My confidence was low, my worth felt null in void, because I allowed others’ words and opinions to effect me.
Throughout my life I have made friends with people who were not good for me. I yearned for authentic, deep, and meaningful relationships that would aid in my growth as the amazing woman that I am. Instead, I allowed myself to get into a habit of doing what the world was doing, and in the process, I ended up hurting myself.
And what does it benefit you
if you gain the whole world, but lose your soul?
Mark 8:36 NLT
Again, I did it to myself. I, through past hurts and pains, developed a habit of tearing myself down, I became isolated, and bitter.
I had purpose before anybody had an opinion about me.
My God created me in my mother’s womb.
My God created me in His image.
I am His work of art, and He doesn’t make mistakes.
I have struggled with depression and anxiety for a good portion of my life.
I’ve allowed the
poverty Spirit,
other people’s opinions,
Society,
shoulds couldas and wouldas,
and high expectations to seed itself in my thoughts, and in my mind and it caused me to be lost,
not knowing my identity in Christ.
Once I came to truly know God, his word, and what he says about me, I became more comfortable with myself. I realized that there was never anything wrong with me. That others’ people’s opinions io me, were not my reality. My Father God, don’t make mistakes, and he has made me for who I am.
In realizing I am exactly who God created me to be:
- A masterpiece
- fearfully and wonderfully made
- Chosen
- Made In His Image.
- Powerful
- Worthy
I’ve learned to celebrate my uniqueness instead of hiding it by listening to my soul’s voice, and not the lies of the enemy.
I’ve learned to direct my awareness away from the lies I told myself (which was of the enemy), and listened to my soul’s voice, (The Holy Spirit)
I discovered my inherited value and work as the individual expression God created me to be.
From this internal place of knowing, my best and highest self can flourish through:
- Authentic actions
- True faith in God,
- And in who He created me to be.
People may say I’ve changed and that’s okay. I’m just trying to treat myself better now for my future than I have in the past that’s all. Nothing wrong with wanting to grow becoming the best you that you can be. In order for things to be anew, I had get rid of things of the old. I’m on a path to bigger and better things. On a path to knowing God more. To accepting, embracing, and loving myself more. I’m about 40 years old, and I refuse to take past hurts, toxic relationships, and drama into the next decade of my life. I’m trying to cultivate a space of joy, gentleness, self-control, and peace in my next season. I’m making way for new adventures, new blessings, new levels, and none of that can be acquired staying the same.
